I have recently acquired a book which has completely changed my life! I've been reticent to talk about it, not wishing to heap upon myself the typical scorn and ridicule wielded by the notorious, ever-present skeptics who roam the internet for the sole purpose of attacking those who don't think exactly like they do. But the time has come for me to speak out for the sake of truth, justice, and the American way.
The book I speak of is entitled the 'Wholly Babble', otherwise known by its adherents as 'The Word of Good'. It was written at or around the year 1973, though some scholars date it as far back as 1971. For some reason, it's never been widely circulated. Not surprising, since the truth is often marginalized, or even repressed, by those who seek to repress and marginalize. Ironically, I found my copy discarded in the alley behind a bus station. By ironic, I mean because such a valuable piece of literature was treated like refuse, and NOT because its pages are made of some kind of metal, like iron. Although they MIGHT be made of some kind of metal, but if so it would be the kind of metal that tears like paper, because I already tested it. Don't worry, I already scotch-taped it; which is also ironic when you think about it, since I found it in America, and NOT in Scotland.
Anyway, I've already read the thing (if it can be called a thing, since it's also called a word...or, more precisely, THE Word), cover to cover, and I have to say it is the most remarkable and all-inclusive receptacle for Truth I've ever read, bar none. And, no, I didn't read it in a bar, nor under the influence of alcoholic beverages of any sort, in any similar venue to a bar WHATSOEVER! I just wanted to make that clear, since I'll be relaying all kinds of remarkable and all-inclusive truths in this series, and don't want anyone thinking this is all just a consequence of being drunk. I'm quite sober about all of this, dear reader, both in the areas of NOT being under the influence of alcohol, and also because I'm being totally serious here, and NOT facetious. By the way, did you know that facetious is the only word I know where the five major vowels are all lined up in a row? Remarkable, isn't it?
I think there might be one or two others, but I can't think of them right now, so I'll work under the assumption that 'facetious' is the only one for now, unless I am corrected later. Come to think of it, that's really not very important in the context of what I have to share, so what say we drop it completely, and move on to the important stuff. Ok? Ok.
So, then. Where do I begin? You might start by asking me how I know the 'Wholly Babble' tells the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I would answer by reminding you that the Babble is the 'Word of Good'; and, as everyone knows, lying is certainly NOT good. Therefore, by logical deduction, the Babble does not contain lies. Ipso facto, by process of elimination, the Babble can only contain truth. Phew! I'm glad we've got that settled right up front, since too many questions along the lines of "How do you know such-and-such in the Wholly Babble is true?", or "If the Wholly Babble is true, then what about such-and-such?" can only serve to derail the conversation.
In the following days, weeks, months, years and decades, I plan on an exhaustive pontification on all the points where the Wholly Babble gets it right, and pretty much everybody else gets it wrong. It will be an intellectual journey encompassing history, geography, ontology, epistemology, bestiality, snackfoods, things that go 'bang', eschatology, phrenology, and along the way I might even delve into all the reasons New Coke turned out to be such a catastrophic failure, plunging the world into chaos for a brief interim of time. Or, I might not. Time will tell, or at least may ask, in which case I might be inclined to answer, if I'm in the mood at the time of the question. And if you're laughing now...well, I guess we'll see who has the last laugh, won't we?
Stay tuned...
P.S. You may have noticed that on the cover of my copy of the Wholly Babble (pictured above), the title is spelled H-O-L-Y Babble. Well, there's a very good reason for that which I'll go into later, if in fact I ever find out for myself.
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